Mixed Emotions

So I'm just thinking alot, I'm so excited to be leaving, but at the same time feeling kind of lonely and a little sad. I miss my Samuel so much, he's my best friend. I've been thinking about the past 5 months and everything that has gone on in between. In the Bible it talks about how if your hand makes you sin you should cut it off (not literally) but what I get from that is that basically if something in your life is making you sin or making you drift from God you should cut it out. My time in high school was the worst four years of my life (so far). While people at senior tea and graduation were crying and saying how much they'd miss each other, I was chunking deuce and sprinting out the door. I was so depressed and I could not wait to get out of there. Fast forward two years later the people I thought would be there for me aren't. The person who I thought I'd be drinking coffee with and watching our kids play together isn't there. It hurts but I'm moving past it, i think its sort of like a relationship, like if they aren't gonna fight to keep you there or to make the friendship work...they were never your true friends to begin with. With me moving to San Antonio in less than a month, I am positive that I will never interact with those people again. I guess it's a good thing, I didn't like the person who I could have become, who they have become. There is more to life than watching the Kardashian's Show or spending $120 dollars on make-up and shopping for clothes every weekend, its sad. Anyway, I just needed to vent and Samuel isn't in his room. Bye for now...oh 22 days until the wedding :)

Daisy dukes, bikinis on top.

33 days until our wedding, time sure did fly by! I’ve been meaning to write a post, but I wanted to wait until the beach day I had planned with my friends and for the bridal shower my sister and my mom were throwing me was over. This weekend was full of lots of parties and lots of fun! On Thursday was the beach day I planned, I guess I’m the planner of the group and nothing happens unless I plan it, so after 2 years of talking about having a beach day I decided to take initiative. I told everyone 3 weeks early so they could take the day off, and I planned for the beach on Thursday because it’s not too crowded. We headed off to Crystal Beach at 11am; it couldn’t have been a prettier day. As soon as we got there we fired up the grill, took out the umbrellas, and set up our canopy…sort of...some of the poles were missing so..yeah...



I can’t believe my friends went in the water; it didn’t look appealing to me at all, my friends are the kind of people that have to do something, like play volleyball or soccer or swim, I just like to sit there and relax. So while they supposedly got stung by jellyfish, I took a nap :). I got a little sad realizing this was the last time we would all really be together hanging out. There was a lot of that this weekend. You have to understand, these people aren’t my high school friends, they’re more than that, they’re not even “like” family, they ARE family. All of our parents have known each other since before they were married. I have seen these people twice every Sunday for the past twenty years. There’s a lot of history in our friendship. I’m going to miss seeing them every week.





It was a perfect day.

On Friday my sister and I went shopping for some dresses, it’s AMAZING what shopping does for stress. My friend said she was gonna take me out for dinner so we went home, got dressed and picked her up. Ummm yeah she decided to throw me a surprise “girls only party” we had a lot of fun playing games and talking. The next day was the bridal shower so it was pretty hectic. My mom is such a great planner, I’m glad I got that gene from her. The bridal shower was awesome and the girls slept over that night. Right now I’m having such a mix of emotions; I’m excited yet nervous with a hint of sad... but more excited...absolutely cannot wait…33 days!

My testimony

41 days! It's actually getting closer! There is so much to do still! Invitations go out this week! As much as I love this wedding stuff I just want to get it over with already and find a job in San Antonio. Samuel will be here in about 3 1/2 wks, that's what makes me the most excited! I always get so nervous to see him before he comes, my tummy feels all funny and it’s hard to breathe, it's one of the best feelings, I can't wait to pick him up at the airport :) 4th of July was good, it's been my favorite holiday since I was little, I've always loved the fireworks and BBQ and being patriotic, I love my country :) I've noticed lately that I've become very emotional. I cry for everything now, like I NEVER cried at weddings or during romantic movies and now I cry all the time, I’ve become a real softie. I think when you fall in love it changes you, and the way you think, and the way you feel about life. I also think that before you can find true head over heels love, scratch that, I know that before you can find true head over heels love, you need to have a true relationship with God; you NEED to be completely in love with God. I remember talking to my mom and telling her I didn't think I had a testimony. I mean I’ve never lived in the world, or was into drugs or drinking. I've gone to church all my life, I know every parable told, I can name all of the books of the Bible, I didn't think I had a testimony. I have a testimony, a small one that might not mean anything to you, but it’s one that gives me the chills when I remember it, when I tell it. I was 16 years old when I learned to trust in God's perfect plan, and not the kind of trust that everyone says they have but when hard times come they panic and drift away, I mean the actual "I put my life in your hands because I completely and totally trust in you." So, when I was sixteen I was on the dance team. It was my junior year, and I was so excited to tryout for dance officer. It was set, I had practiced for hours, and that is not an exaggeration. I got to school early, practiced through lunch, stayed until 5 sometimes 6pm, practiced in the living room after my shower and even slept with my ipod on to listen to my tryout song. I was just supposed to tryout, be "second in command" and my senior year would be set, everyone knew it, it was expected, but that's not what God wanted for me. I remember before I walked in the dance room to perform my solo, I prayed. My prayer went a little something like this, "Father God, You know how much I've practiced and how bad I want this, I pray that You help my feet be swift and my leaps be high. I thank You because You've given me this talent to use for Your glory. I pray Jesus that whatever happens be Your will and not my want, because where I go in life is nothing if I’m not in Your will, I Love You and thank You, in Your name I pray Jesus, amen." I didn't know how much that prayer would change my ENTIRE life. After that prayer, I decided that if I didn't make it (which was not even a possibility to me) I would quit the dance team because that was not where I was supposed to be. I danced my heart out. We were supposed to come back for the results at a certain time. So I went back and pick my card off the wall. My letter started out "Thank you for trying out for lieutenant colonel, we regret to inform you that..." I didn't even have to read anymore, I threw my paper in the trash and left. My mom has never seen me so torn up. I cried for a week. I didn't even want to go to school the next day, but I did, I talked to the counselor and she took me out of dance. The following Monday, I remember that a teacher pulled me out of a final in my algebra 2 class. She let me know that she was recruiting for her co-op class and the counselor told her about me, she said if I said yes she had an interview she could send me to on Wednesday so she needed an answer, I went to the interview and I was hired the next day. I would not have my awesome job that I have today if things haven’t gone the way God wanted them to. What if I had told God "Please let me have this"? I have no idea what would’ve happened, but sometimes we get so wrapped up in our wants that we don't pay attention to what God wants. We forget that we have no idea what God has on our life maps, and that he is completely and totally in control. He knows what’s best for us we just have to let Him be in control, in COMPLETE AND TOTAL control. I learned to completely trust in God when I was 16 years old. It was probably the hardest prayer that I had to say, and some people might not know how important dance was for me, they might see it as something small and insignificant, but anyone who knew me knew how hard it was for me to say that prayer, to tell God I’m okay with whatever You want for me. I have never regretted that prayer, and I never will. I have no idea what God's plan has for my future, but I know that if I follow Him He'll never lead me astray. Until next time. Leave me nice comments! :)